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Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Hurt
Stop
Desertion
Middle
Prostate
Working
Offends
Fighting
Hurts
War
Retirement
Life
Legs
Sorry

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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
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History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!
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And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion - be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
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What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
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I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
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I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
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Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.
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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
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North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of 'Ooh, please pay attention to us.'
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Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace.
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Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
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I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.
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I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
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Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.
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The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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