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Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Life
Legs
Sorry
Hurt
Stop
Desertion
Middle
Prostate
Working
Offends
Fighting
Hurts
War
Retirement

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
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Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.
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Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
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I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.
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If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.
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Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?
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History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!
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For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.
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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
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If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?
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I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
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A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable. Otherwise Mother would dust.
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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
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If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
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Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
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As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!
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I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
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