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Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Sorry
Hurt
Stop
Desertion
Middle
Prostate
Working
Offends
Fighting
Hurts
War
Retirement
Life
Legs

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.
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I actually do not think that's how what's happening to our government is going to be stopped. I think people who are willing to be civically engaged and believe in the promises and the progress of the last fifty years that will save this country.
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We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
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Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
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Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.
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I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
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After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
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History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!
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I'm getting angry at liberals.
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Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.
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Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.
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Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.
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Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
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What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
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If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.
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