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Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Tomorrow
Making
Better
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
You should spend more time with your families write that novel you've always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know - fiction.
Stephen Colbert
You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
Stephen Colbert
It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
Stephen Colbert
People would say, Oh, you say you just do jokes. I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.
Stephen Colbert
I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change my opinion never does.
Stephen Colbert
Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
Stephen Colbert
I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.
Stephen Colbert
After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
Stephen Colbert
Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.
Stephen Colbert
Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!
Stephen Colbert
Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.
Stephen Colbert
Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.
Stephen Colbert
Truthiness is What I say is right, and [nothing] anyone else says could possibly be true. It's not only that I feel it to be true, but that I feel it to be true. There's not only an emotional quality, but there's a selfish quality.
Stephen Colbert
Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think.
Stephen Colbert
Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
Stephen Colbert
Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
Stephen Colbert
I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.
Stephen Colbert
Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.
Stephen Colbert
And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.
Stephen Colbert
I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.
Stephen Colbert