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The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Gone
America

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I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
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I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview wrong.
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.
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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
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If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
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When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.
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If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.
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...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
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If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
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I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
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Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.
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I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
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Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
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If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.
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The more you know, the sadder you get.
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If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.
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I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.
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