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The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Gone
America

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.
Stephen Colbert
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Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
Stephen Colbert
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Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
Stephen Colbert
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Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.
Stephen Colbert
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Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.
Stephen Colbert
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This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.
Stephen Colbert
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Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy.
Stephen Colbert
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Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.
Stephen Colbert
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
Stephen Colbert
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
Stephen Colbert
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Equations are the devil's sentences.
Stephen Colbert
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Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter.
Stephen Colbert
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Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.
Stephen Colbert
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I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.
Stephen Colbert
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It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
Stephen Colbert
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The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.
Stephen Colbert
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
Stephen Colbert
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To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
Stephen Colbert
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I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.
Stephen Colbert
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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
Stephen Colbert