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It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Fathers
Corporations
Instead
Father
Wanted
Country
Way
Founded
Would
Founding

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Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, I command you to do this. The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.
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When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.
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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
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...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
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You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It's just a really bad omelette.
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It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
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You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
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Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
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I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.
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No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
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