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It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Wanted
Country
Way
Founded
Would
Founding
Fathers
Corporations
Instead
Father

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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
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There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
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Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
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Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!
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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
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Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter.
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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
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I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.
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I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.
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What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle...I just wanna dance'?
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Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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The more you know, the sadder you get.
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Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.
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Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
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I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
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