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It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Wanted
Country
Way
Founded
Would
Founding
Fathers
Corporations
Instead
Father

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Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
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I don't think anybody can with a straight face say that the Russians did not set out to influence our election, and they did so.
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As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!
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I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
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If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.
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Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
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When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.
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They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you
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I'm impervious to logic.
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The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.
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Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
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Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
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I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn't that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.
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Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom.
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To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
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It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
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Truthiness is What I say is right, and [nothing] anyone else says could possibly be true. It's not only that I feel it to be true, but that I feel it to be true. There's not only an emotional quality, but there's a selfish quality.
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I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
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