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When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Instead
Commoner
Matter
Commoners
Important
Vomit
Nearest
Royalty
Meeting
Meetings
Excited

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.
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And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name I'm not changing it.
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I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are the migrant workers who come and do our work and don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here, and at the same time ask them to leave.
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Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
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Don't cry over spilled milk-- get angry and punch a cow.
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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
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You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.
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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
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Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.
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Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?
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Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
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I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be.
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I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
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I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
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Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
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Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don't need to care about science, literature or peace.
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I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
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Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
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Equations are the devil's sentences.
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