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Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Atheism
Orphans
Religious
Gays
Rather
Orphan
Jesus
Agnostic
Family
Atheist
Remember
Gay
Would
Constantly
Shame

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Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
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Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?
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I am no fan of books.
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Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
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Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.
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To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.
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If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?
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Baby carrots are making me gay.
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It's much better to invite the audience to be part of your show rather than saying, I command you to do this. The other thing is, you have to follow through. If you initiate a game and they take part, you can't stop until it reaches a mutually satisfying resolution.
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Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
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I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.
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If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
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No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
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Equations are the devil's sentences.
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Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
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What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
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The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.
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it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
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