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Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Rather
Orphan
Jesus
Agnostic
Family
Atheist
Remember
Gay
Would
Constantly
Shame
Atheism
Orphans
Religious
Gays
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
Stephen Colbert
NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
Stephen Colbert
It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.
Stephen Colbert
Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
Stephen Colbert
I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
Stephen Colbert
I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
Stephen Colbert
I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
Stephen Colbert
We have this idea in our mind that there's a separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics. Like it's not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course, there - there isn't.
Stephen Colbert
I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
Stephen Colbert
Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
Stephen Colbert
If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
Stephen Colbert
I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.
Stephen Colbert
Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
Stephen Colbert
After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
Stephen Colbert
I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
Stephen Colbert
As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.
Stephen Colbert
And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are.
Stephen Colbert
I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
Stephen Colbert
Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
Stephen Colbert
It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
Stephen Colbert
