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NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Form
Nasa
Life
Nerd
Date
Unfortunately
Scientists
Discovered
Scientist
Either

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John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
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What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
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If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
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I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.
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Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.
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I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
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If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?
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Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
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The beauty of new media is that no evidence is necessary. The brave blog-troopers have stormed the cockpit of news, and wrestled the joystick of authority away from the seasoned pilots of the press who would land our country at the Facts International Airport.
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.
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If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.
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I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.
Stephen Colbert
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A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
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I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.
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What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
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