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NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Life
Nerd
Date
Unfortunately
Scientists
Discovered
Scientist
Either
Form
Nasa
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
I'm impervious to logic.
Stephen Colbert
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
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It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.
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I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
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There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
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Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.
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I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.
Stephen Colbert
Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.
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Other people's deconstruction of your motivations doesn't help you do what you do. You can't swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.
Stephen Colbert
Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
Stephen Colbert
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
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The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.
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If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?
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Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
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Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.
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I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
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I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
Stephen Colbert
Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
Stephen Colbert
Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
Stephen Colbert
