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You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Every
Politician
Ends
Human
Humans
Book
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The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
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This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.
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Cameras are dangerous. With no waiting period or background check, any whack-job could just stroll into a Wal-Mart and walk out with a semi-automatic. Now, for years I've been pressing for stricter regulations on cameras, especially around our elected officials. Too many political lives have been cut short by some crazed shooter.
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Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!
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If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.
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When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.
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NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
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Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
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If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.
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Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
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There must be a God, because I don't know how things work.
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Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.
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I've got butterflies in my stomach... because I ate a cocoon quesadilla!
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I imagined myself living in New York in some sort of open, large but sparse studio apartment with a lot of blond wood and a futon on the floor and a bubbling samovar of tea in the background and a big beard - living alone but with my beard - and doing theater. That's what I thought my life would be.
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I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
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I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
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It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.
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