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You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Book
Every
Politician
Ends
Human
Humans
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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
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I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
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Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?
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What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
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If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.
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I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change my opinion never does.
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People would say, Oh, you say you just do jokes. I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.
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I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.
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This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.
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The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
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I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.
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Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
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Baby carrots are making me gay.
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Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
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No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.
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In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
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