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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Upward
Thrust
Stomach
Sure
Heart
Way
Make
Men
Ribcage
More quotes by Stephen Colbert
Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
Stephen Colbert
brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.
Stephen Colbert
News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point to communist societies like the Soviet Union - they worshipped blue jeans.
Stephen Colbert
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
Stephen Colbert
To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.
Stephen Colbert
Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
Stephen Colbert
This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.
Stephen Colbert
Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
Stephen Colbert
Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.
Stephen Colbert
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
Stephen Colbert
I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.
Stephen Colbert
Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that's almost never the case. I'm just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
Stephen Colbert
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.
Stephen Colbert
Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.
Stephen Colbert
If you like Battlestar Galactica...you're probably a huge nerd.
Stephen Colbert
I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview wrong.
Stephen Colbert
Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
Stephen Colbert
You gotta learn to love when you're failing.... The embracing of that, the discomfort of failing in front of an audience, leads you to penetrate through the fear that blinds you. Fear is the mind killer.
Stephen Colbert
First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
Stephen Colbert
Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.
Stephen Colbert
