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If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Dime
Dimes
Broke
Wrong

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
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Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
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Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
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No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.
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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
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All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
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I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.
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In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
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New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
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It's no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack -- in that they will devastate black communities.
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Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
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Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
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The more you know, the sadder you get.
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
Stephen Colbert