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I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Equals
Plus
Guess
Victory
Jesus

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The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.
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Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
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I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.
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As Shakespeare said, there's nothin' cooler than droppin' the 'g's off of gerunds!
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...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
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Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
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The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.
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My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.
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Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
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Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
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If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?
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Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
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Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
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They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you
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So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
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Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.
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Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.
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Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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