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I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Equals
Plus
Guess
Victory
Jesus

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Equations are the devil's sentences.
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.
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I am no fan of books.
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If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.
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First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
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Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
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A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
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After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
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Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.
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No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.
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Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
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If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.
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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
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If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.
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I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.
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People would say, Oh, you say you just do jokes. I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.
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Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.
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