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I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Plus
Guess
Victory
Jesus
Equals

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.
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Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?
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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
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NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
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Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
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Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.
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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.
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The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.
Stephen Colbert
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I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
Stephen Colbert
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I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.
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The more you know, the sadder you get.
Stephen Colbert
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Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
Stephen Colbert
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Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
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I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
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