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(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Disney
Foxes
Watching
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More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.
Stephen Colbert
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People would say, Oh, you say you just do jokes. I don't just do jokes. I do jokes. Jokes are important. They saved my life when I was younger. Hopefully we're making things nicer at the end of the day for people. That's the entire goal, and that's the touchstone and the North Star for the tone.
Stephen Colbert
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What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
Stephen Colbert
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Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
Stephen Colbert
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I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
Stephen Colbert
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My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.
Stephen Colbert
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Like all great theologies, Bill [O'Reilly]'s can be boiled down to one sentence: There must be a god, because I don't know how things work.
Stephen Colbert
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The more you know, the sadder you get.
Stephen Colbert
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Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
Stephen Colbert
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No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
Stephen Colbert
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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
Stephen Colbert
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If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
Stephen Colbert
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In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
Stephen Colbert
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I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
Stephen Colbert
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I'm not a truthiness fanatic, I'm truthiness's father.
Stephen Colbert
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Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.
Stephen Colbert
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Equations are the devil's sentences.
Stephen Colbert
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Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.
Stephen Colbert
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I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
Stephen Colbert
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I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.
Stephen Colbert