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If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Wouldn
Rest
Politics
Father
Isolationism
Political
Declared
Care
Founding
Wanted
Fathers
World
Independence

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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
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No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
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If you're injecting fear into other people, then you're trying to kill their minds. You're trying to get them to stop thinking.
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Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
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I actually do not think that's how what's happening to our government is going to be stopped. I think people who are willing to be civically engaged and believe in the promises and the progress of the last fifty years that will save this country.
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I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
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My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.
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Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
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John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
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I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
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Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you'll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
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