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I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Sunday
Teach
School

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.
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There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
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Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
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I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character.
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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
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I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.
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I'm impervious to logic.
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I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
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Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.
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Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.
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I'm getting angry at liberals.
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(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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I'm an actor. I hate to blow everyone's illusions.
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Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
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They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, What? What's that? I can't hear you
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Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?
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Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at you.
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I hadn't intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.
Stephen Colbert