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Baby carrots are making me gay.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Ridiculous
Baby
Making
Carrots
Gay

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Equations are the devil's sentences.
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Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
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You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.
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Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate.
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It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
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I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.
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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
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You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.
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I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
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I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
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No one has any idea what's going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That's why he's building those rockets. He wants a 'Plan B' on another world.
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Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.
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I'm getting angry at liberals.
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I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.
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You have to have a passionate opinion otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they've already heard.
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The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.
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If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character.
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