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Baby carrots are making me gay.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Gay
Ridiculous
Baby
Making
Carrots

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If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
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Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he's an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he's a horse.
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I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change my opinion never does.
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In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
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Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from the gut is waste left from the digestion of food. That’s right, “waste.” I guess that means that scientists literally think our opinions should be flushed down the toilet!
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Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
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You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.
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If I thought I knew what was going to happen, it wouldn't be worth doing. The challenge is how joyfully, with what sense of fun and adventure and playfulness, we will greet it. We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
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It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise.
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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
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Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?
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The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
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John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
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