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Equations are the devil's sentences.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Sentences
Devil
Belief
Equations

More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point to communist societies like the Soviet Union - they worshipped blue jeans.
Stephen Colbert
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If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
Stephen Colbert
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Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
Stephen Colbert
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If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
Stephen Colbert
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I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
Stephen Colbert
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If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
Stephen Colbert
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Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.
Stephen Colbert
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I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
Stephen Colbert
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brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.
Stephen Colbert
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I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
Stephen Colbert
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I began my day as I often begin my days, by checking Donald Trump's Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel.
Stephen Colbert
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Baby carrots are making me gay.
Stephen Colbert
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As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.
Stephen Colbert
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I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable on notice? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?
Stephen Colbert
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Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.
Stephen Colbert
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The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.
Stephen Colbert
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Donald Trump is a strong president. We got to stand behind this guy is what I think.
Stephen Colbert
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I'm livin' high on the hog, and let me tell you, hogs make a terrible foundation.
Stephen Colbert
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Senator Kerry does not support our troops. If he had won the election, there wouldn't be any troops left in Iraq. President Bush, on the other hand, has given our troops an opportunity to fight without end. That's creating jobs. In fact, the president's policies helped create 104 more job openings last month. Now who's stupid, Senator?
Stephen Colbert
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I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.
Stephen Colbert