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Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
Selling
Winners
Olympians
University
Impressive
Northwestern
Truly
Authors
Alumni
Best
Candidates
Emmy
List
Emmys
Winner
Olympian
Presidential
Grammy
Lists
Graduated
Peabody

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I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
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Some say, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' I say, 'Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.'
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The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.
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I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
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I deliver my Truth hot and hard.
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I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
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I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview wrong.
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If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.
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It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.
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We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike....We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it.
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I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
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John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
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There's a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.
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A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
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Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
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Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
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We have this idea in our mind that there's a separation of church and state in America, which I think is a good thing. And we extend that to our politics. Like it's not just church and state, but it's also there's a separation of religion and politics. But of course, there - there isn't.
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