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In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
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More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?
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Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
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I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it.
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(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.
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Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
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Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash. (Said to President Bush at the White House Correspondents Dinner)
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In 1986, our commencement speaker was George Schultz, secretary of state, fourth in line to the president. You get me-basic cable's second most popular fake newsman. At this rate, the class of 2021 will be addressed by a zoo parrot in a mortar-board that has been trained to say congratulations.
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We claim no respectability. There's no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don't have to defend anything.
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I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
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If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
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I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.
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My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
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Don't be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.
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Once I'm performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.
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Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn't be learning respect for authority, they'd be learning logic.
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Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
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I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven't seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I'm not going to.
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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
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If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.
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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
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