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In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
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Currently
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More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.
Stephen Colbert
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History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!
Stephen Colbert
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Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.
Stephen Colbert
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My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.
Stephen Colbert
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The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.
Stephen Colbert
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As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.
Stephen Colbert
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I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.
Stephen Colbert
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
Stephen Colbert
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You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back.
Stephen Colbert
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If I thought I knew what was going to happen, it wouldn't be worth doing. The challenge is how joyfully, with what sense of fun and adventure and playfulness, we will greet it. We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
Stephen Colbert
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I'm not a standup. I didn't start off as a writer, I learned to write through improvisation, and so that's the part of the show that can most surprise me. The written part of the show, I know I can get wrong. You can't really get the interview wrong.
Stephen Colbert
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Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
Stephen Colbert
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Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
Stephen Colbert
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Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
Stephen Colbert
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What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
Stephen Colbert
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I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
Stephen Colbert
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We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
Stephen Colbert
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First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
Stephen Colbert
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All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
Stephen Colbert
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We don't have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it'll come flowing toward us like a river.
Stephen Colbert