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In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
Stephen Colbert
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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
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Millions
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More quotes by Stephen Colbert
First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high school and we waved at each other over the bong. Then I got to know people by making jokes.
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Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
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It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
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I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
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To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.
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Writing and producing the show is an intellectual process. Performing the show is far more athletic and intuitive, because you don't get to do it twice. It helps if you've done whatever the old saw is, 10,000 hours of it. Because I've done 10,000 hours of comedy, I have this database in my mind of what works and what doesn't work.
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Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up.
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Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
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If you use big words, no one will know you aren't doing jack squat.
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If God wanted us to accept gays, he'd have made us compassionate
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As we all know, reality has a liberal bias.
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Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
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Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
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Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.
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If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
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brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.
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Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.
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You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.
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I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.
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Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
Stephen Colbert
