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In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert
Age: 60
Born: 1964
Born: May 13
Actor
Comedian
Satirist
Screenwriter
Television Presenter
Television Producer
Washington
District of Columbia
Stephen Tyrone Colbert
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More quotes by Stephen Colbert

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I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
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If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist.
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After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
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Pissing off PETA is as easy as pie. Delicious kitten pie.
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Football is American why are the Romans numering our bowls?!
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You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
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I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.
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History moves fast. It's hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!
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Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
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Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
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We [comics] create our own reality on the show. I'm in a cocoon of the character's creation. Even within that reality, he's in a cocoon. While I'm an improviser and enjoy discovery, the show follows a script. I have a pretty good idea what's going to happen. It's a very ­crafted, controlled environment.
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The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.
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I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
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I am no fan of books.
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Donald Trump, yes, he's somebody's little boy. But he is his ideas because his ideas are what's going to affect us. As a man, he can do very little. But his ideas could kill us all.
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Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
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Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
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I'm obviously younger, much better looking [then Jeorge W.Bush].He didn't veto things, he didn't bring order and fiscal restraint.
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Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.
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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
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