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I wasn't very happy in high school: it was a confusing and sort of sad time for me.
Sarah Dessen
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Sarah Dessen
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: June 6
Novelist
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Evanston
Illinois
School
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Confusing
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There was nothing, nothing to depend on. And why was I surprised?
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Okay, he said. He took a breath. What would you do, if you could do anything? I took a step toward him, closing the space between us. This. I said. And then I kissed him.
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Who would have thought that grieving an old relationship and enjoying a new one could happen simultaneously, in parallel? Yet another thing you only find out once it's happening to you.
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I can say I made a lot of mistakes, but I don't regret things. Because at least I didn't spend a life standing outside, wondering what living would be like.
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But all I could think of was how when nothing made sense and hadn't for ages, you just have to grab onto anything you feel sure of.
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It's a big deal when you finally get the chance to do the one thing you want to do - need to do - more than anything. It can kind of scare the crap out of you.
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You can't love anyone that way more than once in a lifetime. It's too hard and it hurts too much when it ends.
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In a way, I was almost happy to see her. The worst part of me, out in the flesh. Blinking back at me in the dim light, daring me to call her a name other than my own.
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It was like discovering that some part of you wasn't yours at all. And it made me wonder what else I couldn't claim.
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She bought seeds and raided nurseries and mulched and composted and spent full days with her hands full of earth, coaxing life our of the dry, dull grass my father had spent years pushing a mower over.
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So finally, I decided that the best response — the safest — was none at all.
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The truth about forever is that it is happening right now.
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It's just that...I just think that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It's the universe's way of providing contrast, you know? There have to be a few holes in the road. It's how life is.
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