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It takes so little to change everything. If you really thought about it, it would scare you to death.
Sarah Dessen
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Sarah Dessen
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: June 6
Novelist
Writer
Evanston
Illinois
Really
Scare
Would
Takes
Death
Thought
Change
Littles
Little
Everything
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Life has a way of disregarding even your best intentions.
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Welcome to adulthood, she said. It sucks as much as high school.
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As if he was beating me to the punch, his words living forever, while I was left speechless, no rebuttal, no words left to say.
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When you've never gotten love from someone, you don't know what it might look like if it ever does appear. You look for it in everything: any bright light overhead could be a star.
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Don't give me no rotten tomato, 'cause all I ever wanted was your sweet potato.
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It was like when you're a little kid and you run into your teacher or librarian at the grocery store or Wal-mart and it's just so startling, because it never occurred to you they existed outside of school.
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In the end, though, maybe it's not how you reach a place that matters. Just that you get there at all.
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I remembered Owen telling me how music had saved him in Phoenix, that it drowned everything out, and it was the same for me now. As long as I had something to listen to, I could blur the things I didn't want to think about, if not block them out completely.
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It didn't make you noble to step away from something that wasn't working, even if you thought you were the reason for the malfunction. Especially then. It just made you a quitter. Because if you were the problem, chances were you could also be the solution. The only way to find out was to take another shot.
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If things don't work out the way you want, hold your head up high and be proud. And try again. And again. And again!
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How do you even begin to return to someone, much less convince them to do the same for you? I had no idea. More than ever, though, right then I had to believe the answer would just come to me.
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I mean, it's not surprising, really. Once you love something, you always love it in some way. You have to. It's, like, part of you for good.
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I hated high school. I was not the greatest student, participated in no activities, and spent most of my time hanging out in my parking lot.
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You can't act like you care about someone but not let them care about you.
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I think having a good agent is key. I've been with mine for ten years now, and she's very honest with me. There are a lot of times I've sent her books that were not so good because I was tired of writing, or panicked about money, and she's told me flat out, You don't want this to be your next book. Trust me.
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Wake up, Caitlin, Mr. Lensing had said. But what he didn't understand was that this dreamland was preferable, walking through this life half-sleeping, everything at arm's length or farther away.
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He'd always had that fearless optimism that made cynics like me squirm. I wondered if it was enough for both of us. I would never know from here, though. And time was passing. Crucial minutes and seconds, each one capable of changing everything.
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He wasn't what I'd thought he was maybe he never had been. I wasn't what I'd thought I was, either.
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Still, there was also was something reassuring about working for Commercial, almost hopeful. Like things that were lost could be found again. As we drove away, I always tried to imagine what it would be like to open your door to find something you had given up on.
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My sister, who never understood most of the things I wanted her to, might have been able to understand what had happened to me in this summer of weddings and beginnings. And she was right. The first boy was always the hardest.
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