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I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell anyone. As long as I didn't say it aloud, it wasn't real.
Sarah Dessen
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Sarah Dessen
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: June 6
Novelist
Writer
Evanston
Illinois
Anyone
Tell
Didn
Real
Long
Aloud
Couldn
Wasn
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That first love. And the first one who breaks your heart. For me, they just happen to be the same person.
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I don't get it,' Caroline said, bemused. 'She's the only one with wings. Why is that?' There were so many questions in life. You couldn't ever have all the answers. But I knew this one. It's so she can fly,' I said. Then I started to run.
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In the summer, the days were long, stretching into each other. Out of school, everything was on pause and yet happening at the same time, this collection of weeks when anything was possible.
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If he'd been any other boy, and this was any other world, I would have kissed him. Nothing could have stopped me.
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My point is you're different here. Hollis I've only been here for a month. A lot can happen in a month he replied. Shoot in two weeks I met my future wife changed my entire life's trajectory and bought my first tie. You bought a tie I asked. Because honestly this was the most shocking part.
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That's not a real answer.' Says who?' Says me. I mean real fear, like of failure, of death, of regret. Like that. Something that keeps you awake nights, questioning your very existence.' Clowns.
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You should have seen your face, she said, her breath hot in my ear. Sa-woooon.
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I turned and looked into the gas station, where Wes was now paying, as the man who'd driven us looked on. That's too bad, I said. It's okay, though, she assured me. Someday I'll show you an extraordinary boy, Macy. They do exist. You just have to believe me. Don't worry, I said. I do.
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I'd chosen instead to just change my route, go miles out of the way, as if avoiding it would make it go away once and for all.
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Needing was so easy: it came naturally, like breathing. Being needed by someone else, though, that was the hard part. But as with giving help and accepting it, we had to do both to be made complete-like links overlapping to form a chain, or a lock finding the right key.
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It was as familiar to me as a song I'd been hearing my whole life, covered by various people but the basic tune the same.
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Told you. Everything sounds better in the car wash.
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If there was a way to recognize something you'd never seen but still knew by heart, I felt it as I looked at his face. Finally, someone understood.
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Wake up, Caitlin, Mr. Lensing had said. But what he didn't underĀstand was that this dreamland was preferable, walking through this life half-sleeping, everything at arm's length or farther away.
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But unfriendly is usually one of those things you pick up on right away. You know, like B.O. There's no hiding it if it's there.
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So this had been all I wanted, a boy who understood how I felt. Now, though, I sometimes wished for more.
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There was nothing, nothing to depend on. And why was I surprised?
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Failing sucks. But it's better than the alternative. Which is? Not even trying. Now he did look at me, straight on. Life's short, you know?
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You can't just plan a moment when things get back on track, just as you can't plan the moment you lose your way in the first place.
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All you could do was take on as much weight as you can bear. And if you're lucky, there's someone close enough by to shoulder the rest.
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