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The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!

Sam Kinison

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Sam Kinison
Age: 38 †
Born: 1953
Born: December 8
Died: 1992
Died: April 10
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Preacher
Stand-Up Comedian
Television Actor
Yakima
Washington
Samuel Burl Kinison
Impress
Havens
Haven
Moon
Pussies
Bring
Pussy
Space
Russians
Back
Flag
Really
Flags

More quotes by Sam Kinison

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I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock n roll and ex-wives. In that order.
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So many of these comics are just frustrated singers or actors - they want to get a gig doing a sitcom. It's paint-by-the-numbers comedy, lame joke-telling. They're drawn to it as a career move.
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I'd rather entertain people than offend them.
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Not that I want to put the entire rap music style down - I just don't like it. And I know somewhere there's gotta be another guy like that. There's gotta be a guy just like that - just like me. There's gotta be somebody, somewhere... Maybe, maybe an assassin type.
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It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!
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There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.
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Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.
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I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.
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My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!
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I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.
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I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.
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When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.
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If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.
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You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?
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John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.
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Well, life was tough, but at least I was able to live it out and I was able to face death and not be afraid.
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How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?
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Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.
Sam Kinison
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In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.
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You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.
Sam Kinison