Quote

Tomatoes and squash never fail to reach maturity. You can spray them with acid, beat them with sticks and burn them they love it.

S. J. Perelman

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S. J. Perelman
Age: 75 †
Born: 1904
Born: February 1
Died: 1979
Died: October 17
Humorist
Screenwriter
Writer
Brooklyn
New York
Sidney Joseph Perelman
S.J. Perelman
Never
Maturity
Love
Burn
Sticks
Beat
Beats
Squash
Fail
Tomatoes
Reach
Spray
Failing
Acid

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He bit his lip in a manner which immediately awakened my maternal sympathy, and I helped him bite it.
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The fact is that all of us have only one personality, and we wring it out like a dishtowel. You are what you are.
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Do you know anything at all that nobody else knows or, for that matter, gives a damn about? If you do, then sit tight, because one of these days you're going to Hollywood as a technical supervisor on a million dollar movie.
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If travel has taught me nothing more, and it certainly has, it's this: you never know when some trifling incident, utterly without significance, may pitchfork you into adventure or, by the same token, may not.
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Only the scenario writers are exempt. These are tied between the tails of two spirited Caucasian ponies, which are then driven off in opposite directions. This custom is called a conference.
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Fate was dealing from the bottom of the deck.
S. J. Perelman
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I don't know where we're going or how we'll get there, but when we get there we'll be there - and that's something, even if it's nothing.
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There is such a thing as too much couth.
S. J. Perelman
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I cannot recall a more engaging passage in fiction, and I've been trying for almost eighteen seconds.
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There are nineteen words in Yiddish that convey gradations of disparagement, from a mild, fluttery helplessness to a state of downright, irreconcilable brutishness. All of them can be usefully employed to pinpoint the kind of individuals I write about.
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I tried to resist his overtures, but he plied me with symphonies, quartets, chamber music, and cantatas.
S. J. Perelman
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I have no truck with lettuce, cabbage, and similar chlorophyll. Any dietitian will tell you that a running foot of apple strudel contains four times the vitamins of a bushel of beans.
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Nature, it appears, has been rather more bountiful to Paul's body and purse than to his intellect above the ears, speaking bluntly, the boy is strictly tapioca.
S. J. Perelman
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In my more pompous moments I like to think of myself as a writer rather than a humorist, but I suppose that's merely the vanity of advancing age.
S. J. Perelman
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I'll dispose of my teeth as I see fit, and after they've gone, I'll get along. I started off living on gruel, and by God, I can always go back to it again.
S. J. Perelman
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Santa Barbara people are conservative-not like in L.A., where everybody wears rhinestones on their glasses to show that they own an airplane factory.
S. J. Perelman
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As for consulting a dentist regularly, my punctuality practically amounted to a fetish. Every twelve years I would drop whatever I was doing and allow wild Caucasian ponies to drag me to a reputable orthodontist.
S. J. Perelman
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We old roosters must be cautious. Don't try to outwit your arteries.
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The worst disgrace that can befall a producer is an unkind notice from a New York reviewer. When this happens, the producer becomes a pariah in Hollywood. He is shunned by his friends, thrown into bankruptcy, and like a Japanese electing hara-kiri, he commits suttee.
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Where would the Rockefellers be today if old John D. had gone on selling short-weight kerosene ... to widows and orphans instead of wisely deciding to mulct the whole country.
S. J. Perelman