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A lot of parents aren't exactly sure how to go about solving a problem with a kid in a way that's mutually satisfactory - doing that with their child feels very foreign to a lot of people. It probably explains why so many parents tell me their kids don't listen to them and why so many kids tell me that they don't feel heard.

Ross W. Greene

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Ross W. Greene
Age: 67
Born: 1957
Born: November 5
Author
Psychiatrist
Psychologist
Ross Greene
Ross W. Greene
Feels
Heard
Solving
Children
Child
Foreign
Way
Sure
Exactly
People
Tell
Aren
Kids
Listen
Problem
Parents
Satisfactory
Many
Probably
Mutually
Feel
Parent
Explains

More quotes by Ross W. Greene

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Over 18 years of us solving problems together, my daughter has shown me that she's got a good head on her shoulders, that she is pretty good at solving the problems that affect her life. If she wants my input, she gets it.
Ross W. Greene
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It's a whole lot more productive to be in problem-solving mode than it is to be in behavior modification mode.
Ross W. Greene
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We have forgotten that those skills on the more positive side of human nature have to be taught, have to be modeled, have to be practiced.
Ross W. Greene
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When there's a good fit between skills and expectations, there's what we call compatibility, and we would expect a good outcome. When there's a poor fit between expectations and the capacity of the kid, there is incompatibility, and that's when we see people exhibit challenging behavior.
Ross W. Greene
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You want to teach all kids the skills that are on the better side of human nature: empathy, appreciating how one's behavior is affecting other people, resolving disagreements in ways that do not involve conflict, taking another's perspective, honesty.
Ross W. Greene
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Parents are much more likely to be attuned to what they don't like than they are to the expectations that the kid is having difficulty meeting.
Ross W. Greene
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Solutions can't be imposed. That just fosters resentment.
Ross W. Greene
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If we're sitting at dinner and there's no conversation going on because everybody's got their head someplace else in their iPhone, that's a family problem that needs to be solved.
Ross W. Greene
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If we're being unilateral, then communication does not happen, the relationship does not happen.
Ross W. Greene
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Everybody is talking about the behavior. Behaviors float downstream to us. We need to paddle upstream. The problems that are causing the behaviors, that's what's waiting for us. It's a crucial paradigm shift.
Ross W. Greene
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School is very demanding these days.
Ross W. Greene
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People still look askance at a kid in the supermarket who's pitching a fit and think the parent is not sufficiently in control or not being sufficiently punitive. That's an issue for a lot of parents as well.
Ross W. Greene
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When people are rushed, they're stressed and you greatly increase the likelihood of being punitive and unilateral just because you're trying to grasp control.
Ross W. Greene
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There is still quite the vibe out there that as a parent you have to be completely in control and in charge.
Ross W. Greene
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People don't scream or swear or pout or sulk when there's compatibility. But most growth occurs when there's incompatibility. When it comes to resilience, when it comes to pulling yourself up when you've fallen down, you don't learn those things when things are going well. You learn those things when you're struggling.
Ross W. Greene
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If a solution isn't mutually satisfactory, it's not going to stick.
Ross W. Greene
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Challenging behavior is just a signal, the fever, the means by which the kid is communicating that he or she is having difficulty meeting an expectation.
Ross W. Greene
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Most parents are accustomed to dealing with problems in the heat of the moment.
Ross W. Greene
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We never get to see that our kid is capable of solving problems on her own. We never start to build up the faith that they can actually do it.
Ross W. Greene
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The vast majority of things parents and kids get in conflict over are highly predictable. We're disagreeing about the same expectations the kid is having difficulty meeting every hour, every day, every week. Because it's predictable, we can have these conversations proactively. That is very hard for people.
Ross W. Greene