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My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.
Roseanne Barr
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Roseanne Barr
Age: 72
Born: 1952
Born: November 3
Actress
Blogger
Film Actor
Politician
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Salt Lake City
Utah
Roseanne Arnold
Roseanne Thomas
Roseanne Cherrie Barr
Roseanne
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The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
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I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
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There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.
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I had - after I sang the 'Star Spangled Banner' so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all my stuff kind of, like, really got even more full blown and, you know, I got stage fright and, you know, I couldn't do stand-up anymore and let alone sing and all the other things.
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To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes.
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I don't really want to hang out with politicians. I'd rather go straight to hell, and not collect $200.
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Your body is your instrument, you play it expertly.
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We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.
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My kids were completely out of control, while I was working fifteen hours a day plus weekends. I screamed a lot, something I'm not particularly proud of, but it was that or firearms.
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The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
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US needs to fix up it's election system so that votes are fairly counted, and the Electoral College is removed.
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I have horrible stage fright - you know how you go through the bi-polar stage fright thing? Then you go on drugs to get over the stage fright and perform, but then you're not funny at all.
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I hold to nothing but envisioning international peace and utopia. We all have many more things in common than not.
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I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool.
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Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
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My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
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When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up on TV, and he'd tell me the subtext of what they were saying.
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Adults in a free country should be able to smoke a joint if they want to.
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My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it.
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A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.
Roseanne Barr
