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I didn't know that being in a relationship meant you had to be nice. I thought it meant you had to hack away at the other person until they were beaten down and then were too afraid to leave.

Roseanne Barr

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Roseanne Barr
Age: 72
Born: 1952
Born: November 3
Actress
Blogger
Film Actor
Politician
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Salt Lake City
Utah
Roseanne Arnold
Roseanne Thomas
Roseanne Cherrie Barr
Roseanne
Nice
Away
Hack
Didn
Hacks
Thought
Beaten
Persons
Meant
Person
Afraid
Relationship
Leave

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I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.
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Excuse the mess but we live here.
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I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!
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I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.
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I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.
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Any Hamas or Zionist type who tries to interfere with the labor unions and grab the money will be marched to the guillotines and subsequently beheaded. And isn't that easier and more productive than some endless, bloody conflict? So sayeth the gospel of common sense. Happy Mother's Day.
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It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here.
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I'm just into spirituality. I believe that in a previous life I used to be Shirley MacLaine.
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I try to tell people to keep having hope. It's always what you don't know and don't expect that's gonna be so great.
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After my 1985 appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.
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My husband is almost as heavy as I am. We were married in adjoining churches.
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The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
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I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.
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Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.
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Truth is available to the ears that can hear it.
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I had - after I sang the 'Star Spangled Banner' so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all my stuff kind of, like, really got even more full blown and, you know, I got stage fright and, you know, I couldn't do stand-up anymore and let alone sing and all the other things.
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A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.
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You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
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I think I should be here alone to rethink the world, I do. I want these lesser humans gone.
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Somewhere within the concept of justice, the worst of the guilty must always be removed. I cannot divorce this, not completely. The people must have justice and so I want to reinstate and enshrine the blessed and holy guillotine!
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