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You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you're married to a couch that burps.
Roseanne Barr
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Roseanne Barr
Age: 71
Born: 1952
Born: November 3
Actress
Blogger
Film Actor
Politician
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Producer
Voice Actor
Writer
Salt Lake City
Utah
Roseanne Arnold
Roseanne Thomas
Roseanne Cherrie Barr
Roseanne
May
Couches
Years
Fourteen
Men
Ladies
Marry
Later
Married
Dreams
Dream
Couch
More quotes by Roseanne Barr
I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.
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I had one kid with the birth control pill, I had one with the diaphram and I had one with the I.U.D. I don't even know what happened with my I.U.D. It never came out. But I have my suspicions because that kid picks up HBO.
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We're not meant to be parents when we're 50.
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I hold to nothing but envisioning international peace and utopia. We all have many more things in common than not.
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My family were hitters. If you made them laugh, they didn't hit you. My dad wouldn't hit me if I got him with humor right between the eyes.
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My husband says, 'God, Roseanne, I can't remember the last time we had sex.' Well, I can, and that is why we ain't doing it.
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My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
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This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left? Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.
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A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.
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A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like this doughnut.
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I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.
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Everything on this earth right now is about labor and slavery. War is the only American export left that anyone wants to buy.
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I think I should be here alone to rethink the world, I do. I want these lesser humans gone.
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Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.
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I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.
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There is no scarier chasm of darkness than the human mind.
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Truth is available to the ears that can hear it.
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I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money.
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Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?
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One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.
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