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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Two
Paying
Going
Car
Behinds
Laughing
Behind
Guy
Tell
Laughs
Keep
Wanna
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
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I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, Why are you jogging in your underwear? He says, You came home from work early.
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My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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I don't get no respect
Rodney Dangerfield
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
Rodney Dangerfield
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
Rodney Dangerfield
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
Rodney Dangerfield
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
Rodney Dangerfield
