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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Well
Giving
Quit
Time
Quitting
Knew
Idea
Give
Ideas
Wells
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Rodney Dangerfield
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
Rodney Dangerfield
[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
Rodney Dangerfield
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
Rodney Dangerfield
