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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Idea
Give
Ideas
Wells
Well
Giving
Quit
Time
Quitting
Knew
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
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I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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I have three kids, one of each.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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