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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Well
Giving
Quit
Time
Quitting
Knew
Idea
Give
Ideas
Wells
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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I have three kids, one of each.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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