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To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Knew
Idea
Give
Ideas
Wells
Well
Giving
Quit
Time
Quitting
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
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It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, Are you going to hate yourself in the morning? She said, No, I hate myself now.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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