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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Places
Asked
Parents
Parent
Cop
Child
Hide
Lost
Beach
Find
Lots
Children
Ugly
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!
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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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My sex life is terrible my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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