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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Would
Garbage
Asked
Wife
Never
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.
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I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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I asked him Who said you could fool around with my wife he said everybody.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'
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