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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Kidding
Envious
Wind
Morning
Asks
Tell
People
Stiff
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I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
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My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.
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My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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