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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Stiff
Kidding
Envious
Wind
Morning
Asks
Tell
People
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.
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I don't get no respect
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.
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