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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Bigs
Something
Time
Grazing
Fats
Saws
Wife
Lasts
Last
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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Man, who don't like spaghetti?
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I told my kids, Someday, you'll have kids of your own. One of them said, So will you.
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Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
Rodney Dangerfield
