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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Last
Bigs
Something
Time
Grazing
Fats
Saws
Wife
Lasts
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
Rodney Dangerfield
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
Rodney Dangerfield
They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'
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My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.
Rodney Dangerfield
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
Rodney Dangerfield
I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
Rodney Dangerfield
She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
Rodney Dangerfield
