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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Bigs
Something
Time
Grazing
Fats
Saws
Wife
Lasts
Last
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
Rodney Dangerfield
If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
Rodney Dangerfield
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
Rodney Dangerfield
My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.
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With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
Rodney Dangerfield
I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.
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Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
Rodney Dangerfield
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
Rodney Dangerfield
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
Rodney Dangerfield
