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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Wife
Lasts
Last
Bigs
Something
Time
Grazing
Fats
Saws
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother
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A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.
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With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, How can I get my kite in the air? He told me to run off a cliff.
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Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield
