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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Ride
Stranger
Unless
Respect
Told
Take
Never
Candy
Men
Offered
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
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During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
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School is a place were you go to eat your lunch
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'
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My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
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Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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