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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Take
Never
Candy
Men
Offered
Ride
Stranger
Unless
Respect
Told
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.
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Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
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I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
Rodney Dangerfield
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
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I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.
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I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.
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I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, Wait til it gets warmer.
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
Rodney Dangerfield
