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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Stranger
Unless
Respect
Told
Take
Never
Candy
Men
Offered
Ride
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One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
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My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
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My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!
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With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
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When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look, twins!
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.
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One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
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