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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Stand
Went
Kids
Coaster
Men
Coasters
Roller
Straight
Respect
Told
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.
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When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
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I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
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I was an ugly kid when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
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