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When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Men
Coasters
Roller
Straight
Respect
Told
Stand
Went
Kids
Coaster
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!
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Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
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I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
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One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
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I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
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I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
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I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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Hey, did somebody step on a duck?
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What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
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My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.
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They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.
Rodney Dangerfield
