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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Rodney Dangerfield
Age: 82 †
Born: 1921
Born: November 22
Died: 2004
Died: October 5
Actor
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Town of Babylon
New York
Jacob Rodney Cohen
Jack Roy
Way
Make
Love
Traction
Bought
Ended
Ways
Book
More quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
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You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
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And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
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What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
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Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
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If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.
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All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.
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A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, Man, I wish I had your willpower.
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I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'
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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
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Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, Where'd you get the pig? Guy says, This is a duck. Bartender says, I was talking to the duck.
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I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
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I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.
Rodney Dangerfield
I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.
Rodney Dangerfield
